From the Proud American Travel Hall of Fame:
St. Francis Fountain
2801 24th St.
San Francisco, CA
The innovative city of San Francisco that first introduced the world to taxpayer-funded sex changes and “needle exchange programs” is now considering handing out free crack pipes to their drug-addicted welfare dependents.
Since shooting heroine and smoking crack are not character flaws, but rather agnostic lifestyle choices (at least in the minds of the left-wing left coast), you and I have an obligation to pay for those vices.
But they will ship you off to San Quinten if you so much as light up a cigarette or utter a disparaging word about Ellen DeGeneres.
The day California breaks off into the Pacific Ocean can’t come soon enough.
But even I have to admit these liberals can come up with a good idea every once in a while.
Like the Guinness ice cream float served here at the venerable St. Francis Fountain in the Mission District of San Francisco.
Holy guacamole! Where has this been my entire life?
I’ve always likened Guinness to drinking chocolate milk.
Since Guinness is nitrogenated rather than carbonated, the Irish beverage of choice is silky, creamy, and goes down as smooth as milk.
The roasted dark malt lends a touch of sweetness.
So pouring a freshly-opened nitrogenated can of Guinness over homemade vanilla ice cream just might be the best idea Californians have come up with since they decided to recall Governor Gray Davis.
Witnessing the chemical reaction as the nitrogen interacted with the ice cream – creating swirls of white cream and frothing brown liquid, the hissing nitrogen, and foaming head – tantalized my senses.
Impatiently, I waited for the show to settle before dipping my straw into the cauldron.
The first few gulps yielded a bracing alcoholic kick. Like the kind of jolt you get when your mind is expecting one thing — but gets something very different.
I think my eyes were fully expecting the sweetness of a milkshake, but my taste buds got a beer instead.
The bitterness of the beer flavored ice cream morphed as it melted into ice cream flavored beer.
I thoroughly enjoyed the transformation from bitter ice cream to sweet creamy beer.
With a buzz.
There’s not much alcohol in a 14oz can of Guinness, but my brain was so mixed up I think the confusion heightened the buzz.
Of course slurping all that deliciousness through a thick straw in six minutes flat might have been a contributing factor also.
Fortunately, St. Francis Fountain offers real sustenance in addition to ice cream and Guinness floats.
I definitely needed it considering my beverage/dessert of choice.
The Baltimore BLT offered a left coast twist on the lunch counter standby — fresh avocado mashed between thick bacon, lettuce, and tomato.
The avocado quickly morphed into a messy, slippery guacamole condiment after a few bites.
Also, I have absolutely no clue why a BLT with avocado served in San Francisco would be named after a city in Maryland.
The homemade macaroni and cheese was much more interesting. Big gobs of gooey cheese were sweetened by onion.
This stuff puts mom’s Kraft mac and cheese to shame.
Good, simple comfort food is what you’d expect — and what you get — at this century old neighborhood soda fountain.
A place where local Mission District hipsters wander in for a taste of home or nostalgia — or reality — something in short supply in this city.
And although they don’t sell clean needles or crack pipes at St. Francis Fountain, they do sell the collector’s cards of your childhood by the front door.
A pack of “Close Encounters of the Third Kind” anyone?
How about some of those rare “Welcome Back, Kotter” cards?
St. Francis Fountain is all the pleasures of childhood in one tiny shop.
Plus Guinness floats.
Sometimes you have to grow up to discover the best pleasures of all.
Rating: Seriously Thought About Buying Shirt